Don't make it good, make it true...
For me the journey of being an Artist seems to require the unfurling, unravelling ... the who is "me"? I had an visit with 2 Aunts last month and one of them said "every since you were little I remember you needed to know why ... always asking why, needing to know the truth".
As I sit here and try to unravel and share what has been this last month it is hard to know where to begin ... the most important thing seems to be for me is whether it is true. The longer I wander this path the more transparent, clear yet vague what I am here to do or what is the next thing I want to create or master truly is ... It is more of a inner propelling of what is next, completely new but yet what eventually shows up is familiar .... a homecoming if you will.
I have become or am becoming an avid passenger on this ride, knowing that it is not me that steers this ship, I am merely a passenger that can have some input in the journey, as to say whether or not I am hanging off the edge of the ship or if I am sitting in the middle of the raft, life vest on, seasickness band on and camera in hand and with my head on straight to see what passes by. Perhaps even able to ask for a shore leave every now and again when I see something through my lens that feels like something or somewhere I need to go . . . again back to the need, strong desire . . . almost impossible to let go of. I can't think of another word other than that for now, it is a deep knowing that pulls or shifts my radar to the what is my next. Seeming sometimes unrelated by eventually when looking back upon there is a a beautiful thread that has woven the bits together to create this unique masterpiece that is life but the pattern or blueprint unknown as we take our very next step or wander around the corner, chasing light with only left, right or straight ahead to chose from.
Maybe it isn't like that for everyone but for me it is and the truth and the why of it is what I used to agonize over . . . I used to try to do what I was told or what was popular, not letting my inner guide show me my way . . . my path. The more I have practiced this this deep familiar yet somewhat new way of being the more at peace I am with myself.
There is a deep and indescribable zen that has come over me in the last 2 years that is like no other feeling I have had. It is a trust, a tethering or anchoring that seems to get stronger and stronger the more I walk this way, making decisions and choices from a truth that is not negotiable. I truth that is not found in lists or pros or cons, spreadsheets or research . . . a truth that is based on a feeling and knowing that only I can feel. I am truly grateful that the people I have in my life now that both support and honour what is true for me, even if that is scary for them, (there are still ones that I feel just don't get me, but that is their stuff not mine, anymore).
It is a testament to the clearing of relationships that no longer worked or weren't willing or perhaps able to change . . . the letting go and standing alone for a spell.
I now believe it is the single most empowering thing I have ever done was to stand alone, trust myself, pick me even over my children . . . because who leads them now is so much better equipped to guide and offer wise advice. No longer controlling or acting from a place of fear or attachment to what I want them to do, what society or family wants . . . just letting them truly chose their path and do what they have come see, to do or to learn. In return they not only honour my choices but also celebrate them . . . unconventional as it seems from the outside, there is a dance that we are having that is brilliant and changing the depth and width that our love for one another.
The happiness of seeing someone you love do something that speaks to them in a profound and a deep place of truth is forever changing.
I have always thought that once you know or experience something you can't unknown it so here as I continue to walk boldly into whatever is my next adventure, canvas, relationships or home . . . I have a deep rooted faith and excitement of what is next and I am no longer fighting for the helm.
Perhaps just a little switch of the compass to keep the mast in alignment with my soul is all I need to do, maybe truthfully it is all that we can ever really do.
I shall sit back and actively enjoy what is to come....
be brave be kind be love be you